Brock Stroganoff’s Finest Bytes

Good day, my expensive readers. Brock Stroganoff, Esquire, at your service. My due to SUPERJUMP author Gavin Annand for permitting me a visitor spot on his column on this high quality publication.

Like my contemporaries Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, Frank Bruni, and the late Anthony Bourdain, I’ve devoted my life to meals by touring the online game multiverse and discovering the best bytes this business affords. Since you’ve gotten come to me, my expensive readers, it’s clear you might be of very discerning style. Thus, I current to you my first few culinary adventures.

Bon Appetit!

Chalky and tasteless, with a touch of Pink Bull on the nostril. Supply: The Guardian.

The Maze – Pac-Man

For our first gastronomic rendezvous, an appetizer. An odd-looking yellow chap named Pac-Man contacted my agent, insisting I be part of him at his favourite eatery. It was supposedly not far, so I had my driver, Niko Bellic, take me there. Dreary Serbian fellow, however that’s one other story.

Nicely, expensive readers, must you ever set foot in The Maze, please heed these phrases of warning. It’s terribly darkish, there may be the endless whine of that damnable siren, and in case you plan on being well-fed, put together to spend so much of time working round in confusion and choosing up so-called “Pac-Dots” off the ground, the home specialty that’s removed from satisfying and fairly tasteless.

Mr. Pac-Man assured me that there was some contemporary fruit for dessert someplace on this terrible place, however I by no means had an opportunity to style it attributable to some vulgar fellows consistently chasing us round. The one factor that appeared to discourage the terrible hooligans was a big Pac-Dot that was seasoned with a lot garlic, I’m not stunned they ran.

Ranking: 1 out of 5 Highscores

The environment is heat, if a bit of provincial. Supply: The Elder Scrolls Wiki.

The Bannered Mare, Whiterun – The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim

Leaving the kitschy 80s décor of The Maze behind, I boarded a yacht headed for the province of Skyrim, within the supposedly magical realm of Tamriel.

Let me let you know, expensive readers, the one factor magical about this frigid land is the truth that its inhabitants haven’t keeled over and died from the wretched scent of the locals. The very thought of some filthy Nord serving me meals with bits of his matted beard falling in it was virtually sufficient to show me away, however I’ve an obligation to you, my expensive reader, and I shall scour each inch of the multiverse to seek out you the best culinary delights.

You’re most welcome.

On the invitation of Jarl Balgruuf, I made my strategy to one of many extra civilized cities (if “civilized” is even a phrase that you would use right here) by the identify of Whiterun. The Jarl had really helpful a neighborhood eatery by the identify of The Bannered Mare, to pattern a few of Skyrim’s native delicacies.

Pricey readers, I have to admit — I used to be hasty in judging the Nords. What they lack in cleanliness and refinement, they greater than make up for with their delicacies. Entrée was a bowl of fragrant Horker Stew, served with a wealthy Honningbrew Mead. For the primary dish, Mammoth Steak cooked medium-rare to perfection — flippantly charred on the outside, tender and pink on the heart.

Hulda, the proprietor, insisted on an identical glass of Firebrand Wine. To complete the night, I used to be joined by a few of the Whiterun Guards, who have been sort sufficient to deliver some contemporary, not too long ago confiscated sweetrolls. They’d detained some “Dragonborn” fellow or some such, and supposedly his pack was filled with the delectable treats. The sweetrolls have been served alongside a wheel of goat cheese and matched with high quality Colovian Brandy.

My solely criticism was the bard, Mikael, whose countless repetition of “Ragnar the Pink” turned fairly grating. That, and his fixed rambling about some wench named Carlotta, considerably undermined the ambiance.

Ranking: 4 out of 5 Arrows within the Knee

It is so laborious to seek out good assist nowadays. Supply: Name of Responsibility Wiki.

Cherubini’s Restaurant, Moscow – Name of Responsibility: Trendy Warfare 2

Had been you to journey as a lot as I do, you’d ceaselessly spend a not insignificant period of time in airports internationally: Kennedy, Heathrow, Charles de Gaulle, Changi, Narita, Dubai, and so forth. Sadly, the choices for delicacies are restricted in our nice transit centres — unsophisticated quick meals or sports activities bars stuffed with vacationers guzzling low-cost beer and French fries.

Zakhaev Worldwide Airport isn’t any completely different.

Yesterday, whereas ready for my flight to Mêlée Island within the Tri-Island space of the Caribbean, I risked my discerning palate and tried to overview some airport meals. The culinary institution I had chosen was an unassuming little restaurant right here at Zakhaev named Cherubini’s, supposedly named after some online game artist by the identify of Chris Cherubini, who had labored on the Name of Responsibility collection.

Nicely, let me let you know, the person actually was not well-known for his hospitality credentials.

The service at Cherubini’s is about what I might have anticipated. Soulless and impersonal. From their rudimentary menu (printed on some low-cost A3 cardboard no much less), I selected some native delicacies — borscht and pelmeni, a sort of Russian dumpling.

Sadly (or maybe fortunately, from the look of the surly chef), I by no means had the prospect to attempt the meals. Bullets began flying by the restaurant — a terrorist assault or some such. They weren’t locals, as they spoke No Russian. I witnessed my server fall to the bottom screaming, dropping my meal all around the flooring earlier than he tried to pull himself to security.

The service right here was clearly appalling — the employees couldn’t even muster the braveness to ship a meal beneath fireplace, even after I had paid upfront! To be fairly sincere, I discovered this eating expertise fairly disturbing and offensive, and I like to recommend you skip it in case you can.

Ranking: 0 out of 5 Disappointing Sequels

A hive of scum and villainy. Supply: Reddit.

SCUMM Bar, Mêlée Island  – The Secret of Monkey Island

This questionably named institution on the tropical Mêlée Island is finest described as a “hive of scum and villainy.” The patrons are smellier than the Nords, an amazing deal much less pleasant, and appear to get pleasure from spending their time hurling insults at one another throughout sword fights.

Not the form of venue for Valentine’s Day, I guarantee you.

The native beverage, Grog, was watered down and tepid. Whereas it initially sounded interesting, the Pink Herring was in the end unsatisfying. I consider I’ve found the Secret of Monkey Island, my expensive readers: pirates can not cook dinner.

Ranking: 2 out of 5 Rubber Chickens with a Pulley within the Center

I discovered the cake sitting proper subsequent to a replica of Half-Life: Episode 3. Supply: Half-Life Wiki.

Someplace in Aperture Labs  – Portal

Merely come inside fifty ft of any moron on the Web in 2012 and you’ll little doubt have heard point out of a cake hidden someplace in a laboratory owned by Aperture Science. These identical socially inept morons will insist that this cake is allegedly a “lie”. I can guarantee you, my expensive readers, that the cake is, the truth is, not a lie.

A stunning, self-aware synthetic intelligence by the identify of GLaDOS was sort sufficient to ask me to the power to pattern her scrumptious cake. Though the ambiance of the storage room the place she served it was fairly missing, the cake itself was totally pleasant.

By no means worry, expensive readers — GLaDOS assured me that her well-known cake will quickly be out there for consumption at an eatery in some place referred to as Half-Life 3.

Ranking: 5 out of 5 Epistles


That is the place I have to pause and get well, expensive readers, from the whirlwind of journey. Maintain your eyes peeled and palettes prepared for future culinary adventures!

Feedback

Check in or turn into a SUPERJUMP member to affix the dialog.

THE END